It’s time for another long covid diary entry. (For my official "covid diaries" see here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; here; and here) As usual it’s a mixed bag.
I was so disheartened a month ago I didn’t want to do another ‘diaries update.’ To recap: the main remaining long-term effect of my long covid is the onset of migraine when I am socially overstimulated or cognitively multitasking, exercise (alas), and when I have lack of sleep. (Undoubtedly stress is a contributing factor.) I have been getting Botox shots in my neck every 12 weeks to combat this. It usually takes about 9-14 days for the Botox to make a noticeable difference. And then I am migraine free for about five to six weeks. Not ideal, but more manageable.
I got my last Botox shot around the time of my last update (the middle of December). And by January it was pretty clear that it was not working as usual this time around. In addition, we had rented a lovely home for the holidays, but it was located alongside the fairway of a tropical golf-course. And so every morning the mowing machines woke me and made a droning noise for a few hours. Even ear-plugs did not help much to cancel the noise and discomfort. I spent most of the holiday with a migraine or taking anti-inflammatories.
When we returned from holiday, I had my annual blood check. And my kidney functions looked dubious (a known side of effect of my anti-inflammatories). I wondered whether I was heading toward an awful choice between kidney failure and structural migraine.
I didn’t feel like sharing any of this because just the idea of writing it all up was disheartening. And I didn’t want to sound pathetic while so many other folk have far worse struggles. I also had a simmering irritation with my employer that after being on disability for two years, I had ended up teaching hundreds of hours above my assigned contract hours. But due to a combination of factors,the actual work load was even more than registered. (It’s not uncommon in my university, and so I knew it was not directed at me personally.)
At some point I pulled a muscle in my back — it hurt so much for several weeks — that I thought I had a hernia or pinched nerve. (My GP eventually disabused me of this.) With all of that going on I wasn’t sure I should head off to California for a week-long conference, "Is Philosophy Useful for Science, and/or Vice Versa?" at Chapman University. But the day before I left, I was an examiner for an external Viva at Cambridge. I ended up also meeting a number of academic friends for coffee there. Much to my surprise, I did not collapse and saw no need for any medication to pull me through.
When I arrived in California after a long day of flying, I was locked out of the (lovely) home assigned to me and needed the (very nice) campus security officer to let me in. All week I struggled with my back and with horrible jet lag. Unsurprisingly I started the week with a migraine. Yet, the day at Cambridge also had given me hope a corner had been turned, and I held on to that.
Then I received news that a new blood test showed that my kidneys are functioning fine. And, somewhat oddly, while I shuffled around Old Orange (I got myself a massage that made things worse) without sleep, the feared-for collapse didn’t occur. Rather, the Sun and the conference comradery evidently gave me a huge boost. Because I was scheduled as the final talk of the event, I allowed myself a fairly wide-ranging set of provocations (see here for the video recording).
When I returned to Amsterdam, jet-lagged and limping, for my large lecture course (this year 340 students), part of me wondered whether this would be my last semester teaching full time. In addition, I was very taken aback that during my first two lectures the students, while respectfully listening and showing their appreciation with an applause after, were not asking questions from the floor. It felt like lecturing to a wall.
Yet, it’s a month later and I have had no reason to take any anti-inflammatories since. I have had no migraines at all. I am sleeping soundly; for the first time in more than three years, I am not waking up every ninety minutes to three hours. During the last few weeks there have been only two mornings when I awoke thinking, ‘urrgg it’s back;’ but with meditation, a hot shower, and espresso the migraine or whatever was back would dissipate without meds. Luckily the students have also become much more lively.
I miss my family, but otherwise I am rather optimistic about life again. When possible, I keep planning carefully with plenty of rest-moments in between activities. I also try to avoid multi-tasking too much on a single day. So, I wouldn’t claim that I am where I was before I got sick. But I have a rich social life; still enjoy teaching; and am also more willing to accept lecture invites.
Because of my growing confidence about my health, I also have less anxiety before busy periods in my schedule. This week-end I am returning to the Ghent philosophy department for the first time to give a talk since I left there almost a decade ago. Next week, I’ll get another round of Botox shots, but I have wondered whether I should cancel. All in all I am clearly much better than three months ago. If the relentless Amsterdam grey weather wouldn’t indicate otherwise, I would say that ‘'Spring is in the air.’
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