During Winter break, I started to have intermittent dizziness and fatigue. This surprised me especially because in addition to not blogging I was also not working, that is, no research, no writing, and no class prep. This is a habit I have gotten into in order to be pleasant company during family holidays. And even though our trip abroad got canceled while we were having a PCR Covid test done, I decided to stick to the plan. But near the end of the 'family holiday' at home,' the dizziness became continuous and sleep wasn't helping. After a few days of this my wife bought a sphygmomanometer (she is a surgeon), in order to learn that my vitals were all in excellent condition. My GP listened to my story, asked a lot of questions about possible symptoms I did not have; and she decided I must have stress. I joked she would have stress, too, if she woke up dizzy in the middle of the night. Dutch physicians are not easily alarmed, so we agreed to monitor the situation, and be in touch.
A few days later I awoke in the middle of the night with a debilitating headache of the sort I imagine people with migraine have. The headache did not go away during the day. That following evening I fell asleep with a dry cough. At that point, I felt panic and took a lot of melatonin to make sure I could sleep. Next morning, the cough was gone. But not the headache or dizziness. My wife decided to get me a Covid home antigen test. While there are concerns about those with false negatives, a positive test pretty means you have a high viral load. A few minutes later she looked at the result, grabbed her stuff and closed the door behind her. She said, 'you are in quarantined for the next ten days or two weeks.' I heard her calling the hospital, and canceling her lists for the following weeks. Interestingly enough, at no point did my family test positive before or since.
Much to my surprise as the days passed, the dizziness, headaches, and fatigue increased even after the end of quarantine. Initially, I continued to meet people via zoom--when other people talked I could just close my eyes and recline in my chair. But after the third of these, I noticed the feeling I was on a swaying boat had only increased. So, I finally canceled or withdrew from all my meetings. I stopped being able to read novels or philosophy, or even complete reading the books I had nearly finished. I could read and even respond to short news items shared on social media. But little else. Emails that would ordinarily take me thirty seconds became ten minute efforts.
I appreciated the quarantine because it meant I didn't have to talk and wouldn't hear any background noises. The one thing I missed, and started to miss greatly, was the lack of cuddles. One day I obsessed about the cruelty of not hugging babies in a Rumanian orphanage (a story I remembered). Some days I binge-watched Netflix; on other days even deciding what movie to see felt like a Sophie's choice.
At no point have I had any of the scary Covid symptoms: no fever, no out of breath, and no loss of smell. Each morning I would welcome the intense smell of the home made espresso my wife passed through the door with enormous joy. The dry cough never returned. The dizziness was never accompanied with nausea. The strange thing about my symptoms is that they are discontinuous with sudden switches. I could feel fresh one moment and, if I didn't have a headache, doze off with almost no warning the next. And while I was always dizzy with changes of posture, not moving could also set off the gentle rocking of the boat feeling.
In our regular chats, my GP told me to go slow, and she prepared me that this could take weeks or months to recover. When I heard that my first thought was, 'you are not saying years because it's only been a year.'
I have a strange mental disability. Phenomenologically, I still think and I feel me. My son has reminded me that I still crack the same bad jokes. But I am not really me without my books and my writing. As regular readers know, I think, writing is my therapy. Books accompany me on my inner exile and suspend whatever solitude I feel.
When I was a boy one of the class-room posters said lezen is denken met andermans hoofd. Later I have seen that quote attributed to Schopenhauer. This pleased me because I like the fact that Dutch schools tried to pass on Schopenhauer. But I don't recall reading the original. It would be pathetic if the inspirational quote were a fake; but it has always consoled me.
In my wife's family there is a man who gave up software engineering to become a gardener. As I try to project myself into wellingtons behind a mowing machine, I feel a gentle rocking of the boat. It's time to rest again.
sorry to hear yer going thru this, I'm somewhere on the fibromyalgia-lupus inflammation spectrum and have the symptoms (minus the organ damage) of COVID long-haulers including the ones you describe here and it's hard to explain to folks how disorienting it is, not just the feeling/being off balance but being off in general and how one is nearly constantly aware/signaled that something is wrong.
Hope you are spared this way of life in the long run.
peace, dirk
Posted by: dmf | 01/20/2021 at 05:13 PM
Wow! Eric so hard to believe. Bill and I were so sorry about it. Fervent hopes for you to soon return
High energy self, love from Barb and Bill
Posted by: Barbara Wimsatt | 01/20/2021 at 08:31 PM
Oh no! I'm so sorry Eric and I hope your symptoms improve soon. I can sympathize with vertigo since it's a problem I've had off and on my whole life and it's a side effect of my current migraine medication. The seas I'm rocking on are pretty gentle so I'm able to ignore it for the most part but it's always there. As with my, usually headache free, migraines the vertigo does present some interesting introspective data to think about. As a philosopher I appreciate the fracturing of the normal coherence of different sensory systems. But I'm running the risk of not appearing sympathetic so I'll just repeat that I'm very sorry that this has happened to you but glad to see in your reflections that you are able, some of the time at least, to use the experience for reflection.
Posted by: Dave Hilbert | 01/21/2021 at 12:49 AM
Vertigo is indeed debilitating. I am sorry covid cought you by that leg. I guess cold symptoms would have been a much better alternative. But you will be perfectly fine again soon, I am sure!
Posted by: Annette Freyberg-Inan | 01/23/2021 at 07:04 PM
Eric, I’m so sorry to hear you’re not well. I do hope you get over this hump soon. Also, perhaps ‘niet lezen is denken met talloze hoofden’, and therefore not entirely without value or interest? Knuffel, also for Les and A.
Posted by: Rick | 01/24/2021 at 05:14 AM
I'm so sorry to hear about this. I am hoping for a full a recovery and soon. But if it takes time, I am hoping that you know you have a community of people who care about you and know that your mind and creativity will find ways to feed and nurture itself -- and we're here to help.
Posted by: Becko | 01/26/2021 at 07:57 PM
Hope you get well soon! I can relate to the lack of cuddles/touching. I am not sick, but living alone and being out of any bubble means you don't get to touch any skin. Already out of that since 27th of January. Slow torture it is.
Posted by: Jordy | 03/10/2021 at 02:30 AM